Article created by: Rūta Zumbrickaitė

Many years ago on some internet forum (yes, very many years ago!), I read a humorous collection of “words you wouldn’t want to hear from a doctor on the operating table.” There were things like, “Accept my sacrifice, oh Dark Lord!” or “Okay kitty, stop meowing, here’s a piece of meat for you!”

I thought it was very funny until, many years later, when the doctor was pumping fluid out of my knee, she uttered thoughtfully: “Darn, how funnily the syringe swings…” After that, I realized that a good doctor for me is a silent doctor. Well, some characters in this collection will agree with me, and some will definitely not. Anyway, let’s just read on.

#1

Proctologist inserting camera: let me know when this feels good.

Image credits: CopperTop62

#2

Dr: Are you related to Dr _____ that works here?

Me: Yes, he’s my uncle

Dr: Do you like him?

Me: No he’s an absolute d**k

Dr: opens door rushes down hallway and I can overhear him say “told you! Even his own family hates him” to the other docs in the office.

Image credits: NUDES_4_CHRIST

#3

I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”.

Image credits: truthcopy

#4

Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room.

Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X
Dad. I just haven’t been feeling myself lately.
Doctor. I’m glad it’s a filthy habit.

I almost choked laughing.

Image credits: UsuallyAnnoying324

#5

I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, “Huh. That’s an… interesting color.”

This wouldn’t be at all strange if his own hair wasn’t BRIGHT BLUE.

Image credits: Middle-Gas3531

#6

In the ER about 2am, he didn’t speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I’m 99% sure that wasn’t me. He says “are you (name)?” I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, “Are you Skittlecar1?” I said yes. Ok good. You’re having a heart attack.

Ended up with 5 stents and I’m all good now after some therapy.

Image credits: SkittleCar1

#7

I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out.

Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold.

Image credits: Weak-Ganache-1566

#8

Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it.

He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.

Image credits: gravis86

#9

She said I was a healthy person with lots of medical problems.

Image credits: S_Z

#10

To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion)

And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible).

Image credits: Bagel-luigi

#11

I’m split between (both were female doctors):

“Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?”

or

“Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position”.

Image credits: plantaxl

#12

An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.”

Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.”

Doctor dad jokes….

#13

We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic!

I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”.

Image credits: jdownes316

#14

I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said “well so do I, that’s pretty normal”, then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied “well whats the point of drinking if you’re not going to get drunk?”. I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he’d taken me seriously.

Image credits: No_Cartographer7815

#15

“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain.

That was a private doctor that I paid good money for.

It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body.

I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself.

That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.

#16

I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual.

“I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.”

And

“How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg).

Image credits: ElvisAndretti

#17

“How the hell is there sand in here?”

Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.

Image credits: simplemindedturtle

#18

“we think you might have lymphoma, but that’s the cancer you want, either we’ll cure it or it will just [end] you, no hanging around”.

Image credits: NolanTheCelt

#19

“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.

Image credits: OutcomeOk4500

#20

-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo.

-Eat more Wonder Bread.

Image credits: DadBodFromWish