One minute you’re gazing lovingly into their eyes, the next you’re thinking “Wait… What?” The person in front of you has just hurtled from the pedestal you put them on to the pit of pathetic. The reality hits like a tone of bricks: “I’m dating an idiot.”

Maybe it’s because they thought tuna is made from chicken, or that Africa is a country. Perhaps their hidden racist, misogynistic or selfish side finally popped out from behind the mask they’ve been wearing so well until now. Whatever the reason, there’s no turning back. Your not-so-better half has revealed that they’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, a few fries short of a Happy Meal, and they are certainly not playing with a full deck of cards. The lights are on but no-one’s home.

Someone recently asked, “At what moment did you realize you were dating an idiot?” and some of the answers are nothing short of pure, glorious stupidity. Bored Panda has put together a list of the funniest, most cringe and downright sad responses. From confusing simple geography to misunderstanding how basic objects work, the stories range from harmlessly goofy to “what in the red flag?” levels of alarming. Many prove that today’s dating pool is indeed awash with dimwits.

#1

He looked out the car window to check his parking job, then closed it on his own head.

Image credits: stay_bronze_horseman

It is said that prevention is better than cure. And since there is no cure for stupid, avoiding dating an idiot seems to be the logical option here. Sometimes people hide it so well that the idiotic statements take a while to slip out. But other times, the joke’s on you. Because the signs were probably there, you just missed them, or chose to ignore them.

Below is a crash course on how to spot the proverbial blunt tools in the shed, which we think you might find interesting. Afterall, if you didn’t like learning or reading, you probably wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Which brings us to point 1. People who have low IQs aren’t very curious. They show little interest in gaining new knowledge, digging a little deeper, or reading and questioning the full article behind that potentially fake headline. They feel they know enough and couldn’t be bothered to look beyond the “what” to figure out the “why?”

#2

When i had to explain that you spray mosquito repellent on YOURSELF, not in the air at the mosquitos.

For the third time.

It’s not like wasp spray. Stop f*****g wasting it.

Image credits: birdbrainiac

Does your date use the same small words over and over again, when regurgitating a boring story? That’s a Red Flag coming right out of their mouth.

Those on the lower end of the intelligence spectrum tend to have smaller vocabularies and lower intellectual curiosity overall, notes Your Tango. “They don’t think outside of their own worldview, and have a limited ability to see other people’s perspectives, which can make them fairly close-minded.”

#3

He tried to tell me that an oxymoron was a cleaning solution.

Image credits: Lyd_Euh

Unfortunately, people who have low IQs could also have something else known as the Dunning-Kruger effect. This annoying thing is when people who actually know very little on a certain topic assume they’re very knowledgeable about it. In other words, they think they’re intelligent and there’s nothing you can do to change their narrow mind.

“The scope of people’s ignorance is often invisible to them,” wrote Psychologist David Dunning wrote. Think of the people on this list, convinced that denim comes from cows, or that oxymoron is a cleaning solution. No, moron!

#4

When he thought the moonlight shining down on the water through a hole in the clouds was the sun coming up through the ocean. 😑.

Image credits: Kevdog1800

#5

He took me out to my favorite restaurant, a chic little upscale cafe, for dinner on Valentine’s Day and made fun of the way I pronounced filet. He tried to get the waiter on his side. “Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the ‘fill-*ayyyy*!” Then he leans upwards conspiratorially, “she means the *fillit,* obviously. Hahaha!”

Then he wouldn’t shut up about it. I was like, “it’s French, the -et sound is pronounced ‘ay'” but he wasn’t having it. Kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day.

Image credits: sweetrhymepurereason

People operating with an open mind, or in a higher intelligence bracket, would be more likely to recognize and admit what they don’t know than people with low intelligence. They lack intellectual humility, is how Your Tango puts it, which means they don’t acknowledge that they struggle to understand certain topics.

“People with low IQ lack cognitive flexibility, or the ability to be open-minded. As a result, they’re hardlined in their thinking, and they don’t shift their opinions very often, if ever,” reads the site. “Even when presented with new information, they refuse to change their opinions.”

Of course, what that means is that they don’t take well to being challenged intellectually. “If say denim comes from cows, then denim comes from cows. I’ve done my research.”

#6

She thought Al-Qaeda is a country. She actually expressed interest in visiting it someday.

Image credits: anon

Forget about thinking outside the box when it comes to the lesser intelligent of the human race. They’re likely to see things in black and white. This is something referred to as “dichotomous thinking” or “polarized thinking.” And according to the American Psychological Association, it’s defined by thinking in terms of polar opposites, without acknowledging that there are other possible outcomes besides the two extremes of good and bad.

#7

My ex boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said “wow, how many cows died for her outfit?!” At first I laughed then realised he wasn’t really joking and after probing, genuinely believed that denim came from cows. It was the beginning of the end really…

Image credits: braithgwirod

#8

Years ago dated a guy who was a little vain to say the least. One day while playing cards I asked him to put on his mirrored aviator sunglasses because I found him sooooo attractive when he wore them. Needless to say I won every hand. That was 35 years ago and my mother still laughs at what an idiot he was.

Image credits: Fogo123

“People who display dichotomous thinking have a tendency to use words like ‘always,’ ‘never,’ and ‘impossible,’ when describing themselves or their situation in life,” notes Your Tango. “This kind of thinking can cause stress in relationships, as people see others as falling firmly on one side of the spectrum and can’t recognize their inherent nuances.”

#9

When he asked me why my cats haven’t started hibernating yet.

Image credits: anon

#10

My girlfriend thought Alaska was an island because on maps of the United States it’s always sitting in its own boxed off section in the corner (because it is connected to Canada not the US) and she thought it was like Hawaii.

Image credits: PimparooDan

#11

He asked me to proofread an essay he had written on Lenin. Half the essay was about Lennon…

Image credits: MonkeyScales

#12

When he blamed the loan company.

I said I had $20,000 in student loan debt. He said he had something like $20,000, too. He then changed his answer to $40,000. Then thought about it and didn’t know. I pressured him to actually figure it out…. turns out, he owed $120,000 in student loans. He blamed the loan company for not telling him how much he was taking out. He blamed them for making him pay it all back. I pointed out that the information was on the forms he signed every year. He said that it was unrealistic for them to make him read all of that information.

My favorite part is that his degree is in communication.

Image credits: anon

#13

Every time I went to her house, there was small brown/melted “V” shapes in the carpet. I always wondered what they were..

Then one day, I went over one time and saw her hair straightener lying on the carpet. She left it on ALL THE F*****G TIME, and would just go to work. Like.. how have you not burned your apartment complex down yet?

Image credits: Doebino

#14

Picture this, High School 1980ish. Boyfriend and i went to see Friday the 13th movie and I would hide my eyes when the scarey music started. Turns out i am not a fan of horror for sake of blood. After the movie my boyfriend was pissed at me and accused me of seeing the movie before. He thought that that was why I knew something scary was coming up. It couldnt have been the formula scary music. Lol. That moment I decided to go to college and not marry my high school sweetheart.

Image credits: Tess47

#15

I had this one ex boyfriend who would play Russian music fairly loud in the car. One day I asked him why and with a straight face he said “It’s to scare away the black people.”.

Image credits: Beholdthebooty

#16

Not me, but a best friend in high school. Hanging out with her, her bf and my bf. We were having a conversation on who the richest people in the world were. He says ” I know who the richest guy in the world was! Johnny Appleseed!”.
We all laugh.
He continues “ya because he invented oxygen” *crickets
Unfazed by all our blank stares and silence he proceeds to say “because Johnny Appleseed invented trees, and trees make oxygen.”

He was 100% serious.

Image credits: Arimmer90

#17

When she told me that the wind comes from trees.

You know, because they wave around, and that pushes the air around, making wind.

No, she was not joking.

Edit: I’m so pleased that my far-and-away top rated comment of all time is about how stupid my ex-wife is. Screw that b***h.

Image credits: TheAbyssGazesAlso

#18

He thought procrastination meant overthinking.
Disillusioned meant one didn’t have enough light to see.
Disenchanted meant one had stopped chanting.

The list goes on and on. The funniest part is he couldn’t understand why we had so much miscommunication.

Edit: I just sent him a text using the word ‘assumption’, I wonder if he is going to think I’m suggesting a**l.

Image credits: QuixoticQueen

#19

My girlfriend thinks I made up the USSR…

Image credits: Brownbearbluesnake

#20

Told her i was excited to see a movie coming out soon. Lord of the rings. She told me that it was her favorite book. How likely its it to find a 9/10 who is into books?

Went to the theater. You know how the movie begins? Telling the story about the rings and all. Sometime around Rivendell she turns to me and asks when the kids get to the island. Asks me when does the plane crash.

She sat through around an hour of Gandalf, Gollum and Hobbitses before asking when does Lord of the Rings become Lord of the Flies.

Image credits: Arcades057

#21

When I was trying to teach her how to drive. She hops into the drivers seat and immediately starts driving down the road on the wrong side of the road insisting that I was wrong. She was 17 at the time. I reached over and turned the ignition off, pulled the keys out and jerked the emergency brake. I screamed get the hell out of my car. It took 2 days and several of her friends to convince her that she was wrong. I’m not kidding. Dead serious. This was 31 years ago. My wife, nosy person that she is, looked her up on Facebook. She has had a terrible life.

#22

When I was 19 I briefly dated a guy who wanted to get married and talked about it early on, so it felt very serious. One day we met up to study together and he made a comment about how disgusting he found gay people to be and it really bothered me. I didn’t know what I say so I sat quietly for a long time as he talked and a million things went through my mind. He started to sense that I was upset so he leaned in and quietly asked me if I was “one of those black girls who pretends to be nice and sweet at first but is actually just angry and mad a lot?” Being the type of person I am/was, I said no and he said “good” and went to class. I stopped answering his phone calls/texts and spoke to him only one time after that. He was a special kind of idiot.

#23

I was a vegetarian when we were dating. Pretty early on he asked if I ate fish. I said no, I don’t eat any animals. To which he replied “a fish isn’t an animal, it’s a mammal”. I didn’t even know what to say, I just walked out of the room.

#24

He told me he ate a pine cone once because he was dared to. I love that man more than anything.

#25

When I had to sit her down and explain step by step why inviting your boyfriend and the guy you’re cheating on him with to the same dance was a bad idea.

#26

My mother was driving home one day in really bad rain. Suddenly, the road she was on completely flooded and her car was basically submerged. She sent me a picture of the car once the rain went away and I put it on Facebook. The guy I was dating at the time comment on the picture saying: “Did your mom surfife?x” We broke up shortly afterwards.

Edit: this happened years before covfefe-gate, so no, he wasn’t making a pun.

#27

We were in the car listening to the radio when the host starts talking to a vet about administering animal first aid (BBC Radio 2, in case you’re wondering- they cover a lot of things unrelated to music) She explains that many dogs are injured or k**led each year by people throwing sticks for them to fetch, as the sticks can splinter and injure their mouth and/or throat. She recommended a dog toy instead.
Boyfriend immediately goes off on one, saying dogs have chased sticks for millions of years and that no dog has ever died from it. I point out that the vet on the radio just described several instances where dogs had died. He continued shouting about “political correctness gone mad”. I said again that she’s a vet, she’s clearly seen these injuries enough times to notice a pattern and warn people about stick danger. He decided it was a “conspiracy” designed to sell dog toys rather than good old-fashioned, low cost sticks. I pointed out that vets can charge a lot more for life-saving stick removal surgery than a dog toy, and that the vet hadn’t even recommended a specific brand. Nope- sticks are great for playing fetch and all dog owners should throw sticks. He was SO ANGRY. We didn’t even have a dog.

#28

My father found out he married an idiot when my mom casually talked about the moon changing shapes every night.

#29

He didn’t know why his credit card balance kept increasing even after he made payments, and wouldn’t accept that it was because he was spending more than he was paying. Sigh.

#30

We were having dinner when I mentioned I couldn’t eat cheese because I’m lactose intolerant. He asked how I could eat eggs. I told him that lactose was found in dairy, which comes from cows. He vehemently rejected my explanation that eggs did not come from cows and were not dairy, and wouldn’t believe me until he googled it for himself.

#31

I dated a guy for months, we went swimming once so I took off my makeup. This fool says to me “wait, your eyelashes aren’t black?”
I am a redhead. Leaning toward strawberry blonde. I was speechless.

#32

We were watching a film called The Orphan. She turned to me after a harrowing scene and said that’s terrible, who would put their kids in an orphanage.

#33

He thought that chocolate truffles were mushrooms covered in chocolate. He thought all waffles were made of potatoes, therefore any sweet toppings on a waffle were revolting. He spelled “performance” as “preformance” consistently, including on job applications, and when I corrected him, he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.
Normal stuff, really, I’m sure we’d have worked out fine if he wasn’t a monumental d**k as well…

Edit: To clarify “all waffles”. I am aware of the potato variety (and they are delicious).

#34

He literally burnt a book that I had talking about different magic stuff and myths in different cultures because I would go to hell for having it.

#35

Don’t know if this counts, but I told her my cousin died and she replied “do you like my nails?”.

#36

He was surprised/in disbelief that I knew how to make a grilled cheese (we were 25/26 at the time).

#37

Watching a Movie

Her: “Oh it’s the Vatican!”

Me: “Yeah?”

Her: “That was in Twilight.”

Me: “……and?”

Her: “It’s just famous is all.”

Me: “Famous for what……” (I really had to know if she knew)

Her: “I mean it was in Twilight.”

Me: “Do you know what else it’s famous for?”

Her: “Not really, no.”

Me: “Weren’t you raised catholic?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Didn’t you go to catholic school?”

Her: “Yes.”

This was three weeks in to a 4 week relationship. Yeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…

#38

She went and bought a car. I asked her what car she got. VW Rabbit. Asked her what deal she got: 7 years. 24% interest.

#39

My buddy dated a girl who thought that the actors in 300 actually were k**led in the battle scenes.

#40

When he nodded and said yes as the moving van rental guy explained the height of the truck and what clearance was needed… then half an hour later, he drove it into the parking garage at our apartment complex and ran it into a low beam, smashing the top of the truck.

Then he claimed he hadn’t been warned about low clearances and I was making up/imagining the entire prior conversation.

Then he drove said moving truck at 80 mph on a speed-trapped highway. Trooper ticketed him, said he wasn’t ticketing me because I really had no choice but to try to keep up with that idiot.

The relationship didn’t last a whole lot longer.

#41

I dated literally one of the dumbest f***s in America.

We’ll call her ‘A’

A was a special breed of stupid.

She thought pizza was an animal. No, seriously. she thought there were pizza hunters.

She liked to pick up cigarette butts off the ground and pretend to smoke them in front of passing by cars.

She thought Tylenol and crack were close enough to be the same d**g. And would tell everyone she had to take crack pills for her headaches

Thought resident evil games were based on real life events.

Though the thing that caused our break up was when she called me, crying, sobbing, screaming that she was pregnant with another guy’s kid. Turns out she thought making out got you pregnant.

Edit: I forgot another thing, me and my family legitimately make this joke to this day still.

We were out really late, and didn’t have time to really go out to dinner before we went home, my parents were with us. and she bought a sandwich. A decided she wanted it warm and decided to microwave it.

She put it in for FIVE GOD D**N MINUTES I SWEAR TO F**K. We had no idea and it was like, almost liquidated because the bread had been in there so long.

Now whenever you f**k up a meal we say “You A’ed that right up.” Only, her actual name rather than the letter.

#42

I was riding the bus to school with my then girlfriend in 12th grade, I made some reference about us living on the west coast. She then began to correct me and say we live on the east coast. This argument continued for 15 min on the bus and people looked at her like she was crazy. It wasn’t till later she found out we live on the west coast. Btw we lived in a California at the time.

#43

A. He asked me why i watched the news, “it’s soooo boring”
B. He was extremely proud of never actually reading a book all the way through.
C. He accused me of “Playing him” when i broke up with him after 3 months.

#44

Not someone I was dating, but a colleague of mine was dating this guy…

It was a group of recent graduates working as software developers, and we were all just hanging out, having some drinks, and someone had bought a copy of Cards against Humanity.

We start playing, and he’s asking her about a few of the cards – not unusual – there are some American references that people here tend not to get.

He becomes czar, and it becomes painfully clear that he is just flat out struggling to read the words on the cards. Not the more esoteric stuff either, just a lot of the standard words. Young child level reading.

Most of the things in this thread are amusing, but this moment was heartbreaking. Everyone in that room took reading completely for granted – we are talking about a group of software developers with degrees.

Fortunately people were tactful about it and while he was obviously initially self-conscious for that round, it’s a free-form enough game people pushed it into a form that included him more – people laughed longer at things when he was trying to read something to give him time, or defined more unusual terms casually as they praised the joke or whatever (“that’s good – I like the wordplay with X and Y”). He seemed to take part and enjoy it, and I don’t think people came away as patronising.

I feel bad putting it in the post because “idiot” has such negative connotations, and the guy wasn’t necessarily stupid, but rather clearly not educated. I just thought it makes for an interesting counter to all of the “d***s who are stupid” examples. This guy was genuinely nice, and it’s horrific to me that anyone can reach twenty years old with such poor literacy in the UK. I can’t imagine my life – reading is such a huge part of it in so many ways.

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for all the kind words. I’ll clarify that he wasn’t a graduate, he was just dating one of the graduates. He also wasn’t dyslexic – I had similar thoughts initially – I got the story from the graduate he was dating after the event – she explained that it was to do with problems growing up meaning he just never gained basic literacy. She was trying to persuade him to try an adult learning course at the time, but they split up for unrelated reasons and I only knew him through her, so I’m afraid I can’t give any updates.

#45

We went to Toronto to visit a friend and to visit a “novelty ID” shop there to get fake IDs we could use. She screwed up her fake birthday making herself 20 not 21, so she had to sit on a useless fake ID for a year until her next birthday.

#46

When she told me she kissed some other guy because he had never kissed a girl before and wanted her to be his first.

#47

It was my first year in college. I taught him how to use a screwdriver.

#48

He listened to Alex Jones, used crystals to heal himself and ‘predict’ the future (nevermind when he was wrong), thought the CIA snuck our apartment when we weren’t home. Couldn’t hold down a telephone hotline job for more than 6 months.

Then again, I was stupid for staying in that relationship as long as I did.

#49

I dated a girl that did not know the names or values of any coins. She was in her mid 20’s.

#50

When he said President Obama himself, not the Army, not representatives, but the president in person was going to come to his house and take his guns.

I knew he was a conservative, it was casual and we didn’t see eachother for long. I was in the mood for something different.

But that conversation got me laughing in his face. That was the last date.

#51

When she wouldn’t talk to me for two days because of things I did to her in HER dreams.

#52

Ex-boyfriend was either an idiot or a pathological liar.

-Believed if a road, like US I-95, physically went north-south-north, the name of the road changed from I-95N, to I-95S, then back to I-95N all on the same stretch of road.

-He claimed he was going to buy an island in the middle of a local river, even though the majority of the islands were so small that they would sometimes disappear/appear/move whenever it flooded

-He claimed to take a sleep study that showed he only needed 2 hours of sleep at night, unlike most people who need 8

-He claimed it was illegal to have speed limits less than 35 mph.

-He claimed his Mercury Cougar was a Jaguar.

He said other stuff, but those were some of his main beliefs. I dated him for way too long.

#53

He was convinced that depression isn’t a Real Thing and that I just wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy, and why wasn’t I considering how that made him feel?

#54

We went to a hat store in the mall since he wanted to get hats for his baseball team he was starting and when the salesman told him the price for the embroidery he was so confused and kept asking him how much to get the design on the hat done. He didn’t know what embroidery meant.

#55

He didn’t know pickles don’t grow out of the ground as pickles. After explaining the whole pickled cucumber situation, he actually didn’t believe me at first. We’re married, and he’s never going to live it down.

#56

When I asked her if she thought they will impeach Bill Clinton: “What does ‘impeach’ mean and who is Bill Clinton?”.

#57

We were felling trees with my teen boys when I heard an, “Ow!” – looked up and middle son is slapping a bee off his ear… And here comes the rest of the swarm, doing that thing bees do to warn you off, booping into him.

Guess the vibrations of the chainsaw and too many people around or the dog stepped on the hive (was in old log on ground) and the bees fixated on middle son.

So I told him to hop in the van and drove him out of there. No biggie, right? He got stung a handful of times but he’s not allergic or anything.

Bf was *incredulous*… He thoroughly believed that my son and I had panicked and bolted because we *saw a bee*.

Um, what? We sure did see a bee. Then we saw the other bee. And then all of their little bee friends. How did you miss the CLOUD OF BEES?

I had to hold his hand through the reality that my son was swarmed, had a half-dozen stings he wasn’t b******g about, and please, honey, please … the only kind of person who would “run at the sight of a bee” is not a “p***y!” but someone who was deathly allergic and not in possession of their epipen… So even if my son was “running like a b***h because he saw a bee!”, the logical presumption would then be he was in serious danger and trying not to die.

Please think less about how you think this makes you look tough because bee stings don’t phase you and think more about how this makes you look callous and stupid for not being able to determine “reasons” why other people might not stick around bees.

#58

She thought the movie “The Martian” was not only a true story but that Matt f*****g damon was actually on Mars.

#59

She said dinosaurs were made up and never existed.

#60

An ex told me that, “Jesus definitely wasn’t a real person because they found King Tut’s body”.

#61

On our first date we went out for supper. We decided on one place but then he encouraged me to go to a different restaurant when he picked me up. We got there and an older woman sitting two tables from us, kept looking over. It was weird. When I pointed her out the first time, he dismissed it. But after she started making a racket, clanging her dishes and cutlery against her table, he couldn’t ignore it. He finally told me he knew her. IT WAS HIS MOTHER. Turns out she wanted to check me out and that’s why we didn’t go to the place we had originally decided on. I didn’t accept a second date.

#62

He didn’t know that eating when you’re not hungry is unhealthy. he was 18 and 250 pounds at 5’9.
the idea of calories was new to him.

#63

We were on a family vacation in the mountains with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. We all decided to play the card game “phase 10” It’s an extremely simple game. You basically have a card right in front of you telling you what hand you need to move on to the next level (ex. 2 pair one run of 3) he literally could not understand it.

We tried for a good 30 minutes to explain we even went a round and showed him how to either pull a card from the deck or discard pile then discard something you don’t need. We had to stop playing and do something different because he couldn’ t figure it out. We were not drinking.

I remember my mom pulling me aside the next day saying “honey… Are you sure you want to be with this guy? He might not have a bright future”. It was true. We’re 27 now and he works the same min wage job he had when we were 20 and never got his GED. Dodged a bullet on that one.

#64

When she expressed how spooky it was going to be when Halloween fell on Friday the 13th.

#65

She tried to convince me that men can get pregnant. I am 100% sure she wasn’t joking.

#66

Not me, but my brother’s girlfriend offered to drive to Italy for our vacation. We live in the US.

#67

I told her that my cat, who had a fluffy ball tail like a bunny, was half bunny, half cat. She believed me.

#68

We were at a bar talking about my surname. There’s a bit of a story to how my family got the name, which is:

My grandfather was a Jewish German who was sent to live with a foster family in Wales during the N**i regime in order to keep him safe. When he went to enlist in the British Army during the war, the military told him he would have to change his surname, as they thought a soldier with a heavily German surname could be used as propaganda if he were captured. He took the foster family’s surname, and that’s how everyone in the family now has that surname.

After I told this story to the girl I was dating, her response was, “Oh wow! Which war was that?”.

#69

While driving in a wooded area at night, we spot deer eating near the roadside ahead. Instead of slowing down in case a deer jumps out, he turns off his headlights and keeps the same 60mph speed.

Me: “What the hell are you doing?!”
Him: “Deer are nocturnal, the dark helps them find their way!”
Me: “We cannot see where we are driving with no headlights!”.

#70

He figured he shouldn’t neuter his dog because his dog knew better than to start a family.

#71

When she whispered “oh btw I’m racist as f**k” to me in the movie theater after 3 giant black guys came in. B***h didn’t know how to whisper either.

#72

Dating a girl in college that I had my eye on for 2 years. Finally got with her. About 4 months into the relationship we both finished college. Both finance majors, and I was really in to her, and we talked about moving in together after college.

She had no job during school, nor one lined up for after. She was a horse nut, and envied my BMW. So of course, she goes out and buys a CPO BMW, at 9% interest with no money down for 7 years, and of course buys a horse because why not? Boards it at a ranch super far away but lavish, so board ain’t cheap, and needs to buy more s**t to saddle it and feed…

She comes to me and explains that she can’t afford all this, and needs me to chip in “cuz I’ll get to ride the horse and drive the car sometimes”… she comes up with the brilliant idea to have ME pay for all of our potential fixes expenses (rent, car, horse, cell, utilities, etc), and HER money will pay for fun stuff… fun stuff at her discretion of course.

Dumped that chick that night. Went home, informed those who might be affected, took sleeping pill and earplugs and passed the F out. That next morning I had ~200 calls and texts from her, about 30 voicemails, 5 more voicemails from her MOTHER, and a call from the leasing office telling me she had been there between 1-4 AM screaming my name and banging on my door… glad I parked my car elsewhere otherwise I’m sure it would have been trashed.

#73

When he asked my parents for money for a business the second time meeting them.

#74

The same moment that I realized she was *never* the one to initiate interesting or intellectual conversations.

I had this strange thought: “She lives her life the same way that my dog lives his — in the immediate moment, and in the immediate surroundings, *only*.” There was no imagination, no thirst for knowledge, no yearning for answers to life’s deeper questions. Just existing and reacting.

I broke it off that day.

#75

This was 20 years ago. So me and some friends all went out for a group movie, sort of a low key date for several of us who were interested in each other

this was common back then and this time we let a girl i was sort of interested in pick the movie (we took turns picking). For some reason none of us could understand, she picked the Chuck Norris movie “Top Dog”. If you are unfamiliar, the poster for this movie is Chuck Norris, a police badge, and a dog, nothing else. Very clean and simple

So we all show up for the movie, some of us ask why she picked such a dumbshit choice, and the previews play, Top Dog starts, the first scene is Chuck Norris and a dog, and this girl says “there’s a dog in this?” in an incredulous tone.

Less than 5 min later she gets her purse and leaves the movie. Since all of us were only there because she picked it, we all left too.

So yeah, that’s when I knew.

#76

I convinced her a turtle is a type of bird because they have beaks.

She’s actually very smart, but she’s horrible with mundane facts.

#77

I brought bananas home, she did not know what they were. She thought it was just a name for the flavor of the stuff the dentist uses.

#78

She had my contact info pulled up on her phone and my name was spelled wrong.

We’d been together for a year and a half.

#79

Didn’t date her but…

Was looking at apartments in Brooklyn, NYC. Looking at loft where I’d have 3 roommates. Talking to the roommates.

Mentioned I had a roomba and it keeps the floor pretty clean. One girl started freaking out and saying there was no way she’d allow a roomba in the apartment. She asked why we all weren’t scared of the roomba coming to life and harming us in our sleep.

One of the other roommates asked how she could fear the roomba but not suspect her smart phone of gaining sentience and k**ling everyone. This idea scared her more and she actually freaked out. She was literally screaming.

#80

When she didn’t know what or where Australia was. She was a college sophomore.

#81

She blew 25k in two months. She had no job and wasn’t going to school. I thought she was on d***s. I reviewed her bank statements….. it was all on her nails and food.